Resolve to know more about infertility…

2014-niaw

Hey you… yeah you! I know you. I see you casting a longing eye at the cooing baby while curling your lips into a smile that doesn’t quite reach your eyes. I see you look away to hide the longing and the hurt. I see you in the OBGYN’s office sitting in the corning away from the pregnant bellies and the smiling new mothers… only to get a panicked look on your face when an obviously pregnant mom with a toddler sits down next to you.

I know you.

I see you.

I am you.

An infertility awareness bracelet I made.

An infertility awareness bracelet I made.

I used to think when we wanted to have children, all I’d have to do is go off birth control for a few months and BAM! Pregnant! Because, ya know, that’s the way my mom and my whole family has done it. But that, sadly, hasn’t been the case. I have the frustrating diagnosis of “unexplained” infertility. What that means is the doctors have no freakin’ clue why we can’t get pregnant. They can find no reason for it.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). With one in eight couples experiencing this disease called infertility (yes, it’s a DISEASE), there are a lot of us out there. Some of us are vocal about it, and some of us aren’t. It doesn’t matter if everyone knows your struggle or if you keep it to yourself—your struggle is still valid and just as daunting.

I started this blog as a chronicle of my life so that it might be able to help others going through what I am. I’m a writer at heart and until my infertility diagnosis, it was mostly about the struggles of being a military spouse. Now that my husband is no longer on sea duty (which he will return to next year), it’s more about my infertility struggle.

If you are interested in reading about my infertility timeline, you can check it out HERE.

If you’d like to see a round-up of posts from the last year, which included fertility medication, IUIs (intrauterine insemination), IVF (invitro fertilization), and a host of other medically fun things, check out THIS POST.

If you need something amusing, check out my 12 Infertile Days of Christmas post (yeah, I know it’s not the season but I think it’s still funny).

If you want to chat, or need someone to talk to, feel free to email me a wifeofasailor (at) gmail (dot) com.

If you don’t suffer from infertility and would like to know what you can say (and what not to say) to help someone you love, check out this Resolve post on 25 Things to Say (and Not Say) to Someone Living With Infertility.

If you would like to learn more about infertility, check out Resolve.org. I’d start with the following pages:

Infertility 101: http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

About NIAW: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

 

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Wading Back Into the RE Waters

I called the RE clinic today to see about if I need to do anything ahead of time, etc for our hopefully upcoming injectable cycle. I knew it it would hinge on the results of Huzzy’s three month SA, which is now scheduled for May 2.

The nurse at the clinic told me that if Huzzy’s SA comes back with at least 10 million total motile sperm, then we can proceed with injectables and they’d talk about whether IUI vs TI would be appropriate. TriCare is interesting in the fact that they give medications for “naturally conceived” children… so the medication would be free as long as we DON’T do IUI. If we do IUI, then we have to pay for IUI and injectables.

If we are good to go, then they’ll have to review my charts and possibly have an appointment with me and decide what injectable protocol they want to use. It might include Menopur, or Femara, or something else with the normal stim meds.

What I didn’t like to hear is they said they may manipulate my cycle and give me progesterone in order to fit their schedule because they can’t have IVF people and injectable people on the same cycle because the clinic would be too busy. I don’t like messing with my body  more than I have to.

So basically, it’s a wait-and-see for the SA to see if we can proceed or if we have to just go straight to IVF in August. There’s always the chance that they completely screwed everything up and he will have no sperm. Small chance, but it’s there… and it does worry me since they had to do an incision 3x the size it was supposed to be and the incision had to be opened up a few weeks ago because it wasn’t healing properly due to the way they did the internal stitches/glue.

So I guess our fate lies in the results in two weeks.

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I’m Hurting… For My Husband

I’m hurt. I’m hurting for my husband. We currently are 34,000 feet in the air and only a few hours from home (yay for airplane wifi!) after spending a wonderful week cruising the Caribbean (more on that later).

But why am I hurting for him? Because his mother said she didn’t want to drive the 2 hours to spend 6+ hours with us after we disembarked the cruise ship and before we boarded our plane. We live 2,000 miles away from her and have only seen her once in the five years since our wedding (and only then because we gave her a gift certificate for a flight to come visit us).

On our balcony before the cruise (aka: before we both became blisteringly sunburned).

On our balcony before the cruise (aka: before we both became blisteringly sunburned).

This is the woman who complains constantly that my husband never calls her (he calls maybe once every month or two, and on holidays… which is WAY more than he did before we were together since I tend to remind him to call her). But ya know what, these little neat things called phones go both ways and she could call him but doesn’t.

This is the woman who complained that we weren’t visiting her on our belated honeymoon/5th anniversary cruise because we “never visit.” To be honest, no, I’ve never visited her in Texas. Huzzy has come twice for funerals in the last five years and she’s visited us once… on our dime… in Washington. Huzzy promised her last year that we’d visit her this year (we are doing his family one year and my family the next, back and forth, to make it fair—my brother’s wedding was last year, so we are visiting MIL this year). When she complained we weren’t making our belated honeymoon/vacation longer so we could come see her, he reminded her that we are coming to see her later this year. She basically said she didn’t believe him.

What she didn’t know was we had already purchased tickets for November… we just didn’t want to tell her more than six months in advance because she is like a little kid and would drag the months out forever.

When we offered to spend the time we had between the cruise and our flight—which is more than six hours—with her if she’d drive the 2 hrs to the airport where our cruise transfer would drop us, she said she didn’t know if she could/would and to call the day we got back into port. So we did this morning. And she claimed her husband is too ill (long-term lung disease where he’s on oxygen—not that that stops either of them from continuing to smoke inside their house) to be in a vehicle that far/that long.

I call bullshit. He has kids that live in the Houston area. MIL and step-FIL visit them often.

So I’m done. I’m done reminding Huzzy to call his mother. The only time I will is on her birthday and Mother’s Day. If she can’t be bothered drive two hours (yes, four roundtrip) to see her son for the first time in a year and a half, then that’s bullshit. I can tell Huzzy is hurting. He’s her only child and that’s his mom. He loves her.

He’s always been hurt that he lived in Washington for more than 10 years and the only time she’d visit was when we paid for it (yet his dad came out many times on his own and I’ve lived here 4 years and my mom is coming out for the third time in a few weeks). And after his mom came out with our gift certificate, she told him that she didn’t think she’d ever be out again—or at least not for a very, very long time. Then, when he let her know we were doing IVF and were trying to have kids, she told him that she’d come visit if we had kids.

So Huzzy isn’t worth coming out to visit unless he has kids. And he’s not worth driving two hours (four roundtrip) to see for six hours when she hasn’t seen him for a year and a half.

He’s hurting. And I’m hurting and pissed for him.

Family sucks sometimes.

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Wordless Wednesday: Infertility Explained by 33 Impossibly Adorable Cat Photos

Since it’s Wordless Wednesday, I thought I’d share Infertility Explained by 33 Impossibly Adorable Cats photos. I *did not* create this… this was on Buzz Feed… see the original post here.

1. You’d give anything for a little one of your own, but for some reason it’s not working out.

You'd give anything for a little one of your own, but for some reason it's not working out.

2. If you’re married, everyone you invited to your wedding starts asking if you’re “trying” or “want a family.”

If you're married, everyone you invited to your wedding starts asking if you're "trying" or "want a family."

3. Eventually, you visit a doctor, she does some tests and it’s official.

Eventually, you visit a doctor, she does some tests and it's official.

4. You obsessively read everything about your diagnosis (or try to figure out what’s wrong if you’re “unexplained”).

You obsessively read everything about your diagnosis (or try to figure out what's wrong if you're "unexplained").

5. You thought you needed pills to keep a baby out, not to invite one in. Confuddling!

You thought you needed pills to keep a baby out, not to invite one in. Confuddling!

May cause weight gain, drowsiness and swinging emotions as side effects? Yes please!

6. You never imagined you’d be taking your temperature every morning to figure out your monthly prime time. Meow.

You never imagined you'd be taking your temperature every morning to figure out your monthly prime time. Meow.

7. You never imagined you’d be scheduling sex.

You never imagined you'd be scheduling sex.

“It’s cycle day 13. Ready to ravage me?”

8. Or several doctor’s visits every week. For up-the-hoohah ultrasounds of your egg makers.

Or several doctor's visits every week. For up-the-hoohah ultrasounds of your egg makers.

Quitting your job would be easier for all parties, but there’s the small matter of PAYMENT.

9. You always thought it would just happen. Naturally.

You always thought it would just happen. Naturally.

10. Instead, you get lots of unsolicited advice from family. “Just relax, it won’t happen if you’re thinking about it.”

Instead, you get lots of unsolicited advice from family. "Just relax, it won't happen if you're thinking about it."

11. “My friend tried reiki//fasting/IUI/IVF/ICSI/onion smoothies and got preggo. You should, too.”

"My friend tried reiki//fasting/IUI/IVF/ICSI/onion smoothies and got preggo. You should, too."

I am seeing multiple specialists, but of course you’re the expert.

12. “Have you tried doing it every other day/upside down/in the morning? That’ll get his swimmers way up there.”

"Have you tried doing it every other day/upside down/in the morning? That'll get his swimmers way up there."

13. When what you most want to hear is, “Thanks for opening up to me about this. How can I support you?”

When what you most want to hear is, "Thanks for opening up to me about this. How can I support you?"

A hug would be amazing.

14. Meanwhile, you see babies everywhere — airports, gas stations, supermarkets.

Meanwhile, you see babies everywhere — airports, gas stations, supermarkets.

15. And Facebook.

And Facebook.

Like/Dislike. Happy for you. Sad for me.

16. ‘Cause everyone is suddenly making babies. Impossibly cute babies. So many babies.

'Cause everyone is suddenly making babies. Impossibly cute babies. So many babies.

What are you, a fertility charm?

17. Everyone but you.

Everyone but you.

18. You feel like an outsider, peeking at a world you can’t be a part of and primordially yearn for.

You feel like an outsider, peeking at a world you can't be a part of and primordially yearn for.

19. The TWW (Two Week Wait) is the hard part. That’s when you might be pregnant.

The TWW (Two Week Wait) is the hard part. That's when you might be pregnant.

Maybe this month?

20. You were once a rational person. Now you’re all about magical thinking. “Less chocolate, drive at the speed limit, don’t take a pregnancy test today, and it’ll all work out.”

You were once a rational person. Now you're all about magical thinking. "Less chocolate, drive at the speed limit, don't take a pregnancy test today, and it'll all work out."

21. You’re still filled with hope every month. Maybe you’ll be snuggling a wee one and singing lullabies in 39 weeks?

You're still filled with hope every month. Maybe you'll be snuggling a wee one and singing lullabies in 39 weeks?

Can I has one?

22. You discover the cheapie pregnancy tests online and become a POAS addict. Maybe if you stare at the test long enough the second line will show up.

You discover the cheapie pregnancy tests online and become a POAS addict. Maybe if you stare at the test long enough the second line will show up.

POAS = Pee On A Stick.

23. But then, another BFN. (Big Fat Negative pregnancy test.)

But then, another BFN. (Big Fat Negative pregnancy test.)

Excuse me while I sob for a week.

24. Go ahead, console yourself with coffee. You’re not heartbroken. It’s awesome you get to have another Starbucks americano instead of creating new life this month.

Go ahead, console yourself with coffee. You're not heartbroken. It's awesome you get to have another Starbucks americano instead of creating new life this month.

I’ll have a cattuccino with an extra shot of silver lining.

25. And alcohol. Gotta stock up for that 9 month break, right?

And alcohol. Gotta stock up for that 9 month break, right?

26. Holiday are bad. Babies everywhere, happy kids getting presents, same old questions from family. And your same old answer.

Holiday are bad. Babies everywhere, happy kids getting presents, same old questions from family. And your same old answer.

Dear Santa, please bring me a baby? I promise to be as angelic as I look.

27. But birthdays are the worst.

But birthdays are the worst.

Feeling. Ovaries. Shrivel.

28. If you decide to adopt, that could add years to the finish line.

If you decide to adopt, that could add years to the finish line.

29. The pain, planning and uncertainty can bring you a lot closer with your partner.

The pain, planning and uncertainty can bring you a lot closer with your partner.

30. It will definitely make you a lot poorer than parents who conceive naturally. Say goodbye to your future kid’s college fund.

It will definitely make you a lot poorer than parents who conceive naturally. Say goodbye to your future kid's college fund.

31. All that waiting, hoping, wanting, preparing, dreaming and striving have no guarantees.

All that waiting, hoping, wanting, preparing, dreaming and striving have no guarantees.

32. Maybe your dream will come true. Or maybe you’ll find a new dream.

Maybe your dream will come true. Or maybe you'll find a new dream.

33. Baby dust and/or serenity to all!

Baby dust and/or serenity to all!

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I Survived Skyping

This weekend, I survived Skyping with my family while my sister-in-law opened her baby shower gifts from Huzzy and me (to know the back story on why her pregnancy is extra tough on me, read I’m [Not] Pregnant).

I survived.

I didn’t cry.

I even smiled and I truly meant it. Even though it was difficult when my cousin’s 7-year-old kept asking me, “Did you know there’s A BABY in her stomach?”

Even when SIL said, “Wifey, (cousin’s kid) told me I’m fat!”  Uh… my response was, “You are supposed to be, you are pregnant.”  I probably should have told her she wasn’t fat, she was pregnant, but I was just trying to keep a smile on my face and not let them know how much I was hurting inside.

Babies are everywhere around me and in the last week, I’ve found out there is going to be even more coming. A few people close to me told me they were pregnant. I’m so happy for each of them, truly. It’s such an exciting time.

But I’m starting to feel like I have no “safe” zone. Twitter has become full of people who used to be struggling with me and now has mostly people who have children, whether that’s from infertility treatments, surrogates, adoption, etc. And I don’t want to find more infertility friends on Twitter because… that’s just that many more people to announce pregnancies. And I don’t want to abandon the people I’m already on Twitter with… some of them I consider true friends. I’m still on my Twitter break and I don’t think I’ll be back until at least next month.

And Facebook? Heck, I doubt I have more than a handful of people who don’t have kids. I posted a small rant on the local MilSpouse infertility support group and an INFERTILE (who has a baby, I might add) told me that “when it’s your time, you’ll have one.”  Um….. I know PLENTY of people who never got “their time” and since nothing but biological children are ok with my husband, that doesn’t leave us any other options. How can someone say that? YOU DON’T KNOW THE FUTURE, so don’t tell someone you are sure something’s going to happen.

And this doesn’t just apply to having kids/infertility… please don’t tell anyone you are “sure” something is going to happen when they are facing something difficult. Because you don’t know. You can sure express hope and offer prayers/good thoughts/etc, but don’t say you are SURE something will work, or even that it will “when it’s meant to be.”

Anyway, I’m currently in New Jersey to get certified as a Leadership Practices Inventory Coach. I’m hoping that this will help me with my career in the future. But can I say… brrr! Joisey is cold! Washington was a sunny 65 today and when I arrived, it was barely 34 degrees here on the East Coast. On top of that, everything is still brown and dead-looking. No thank you… give me back my gorgeous, green Pacific Northwest.

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Five Years….

Today is our fifth anniversary. Five years ago today, it was a 50 degree, sunny day in Michigan. The morning started off with a bit of snow flurries, but the day ended up being gorgeous.

March 21, 2009  Huzzy & Wifey

March 21, 2009 Huzzy & Wifey

We certainly aren’t where I would have expected to be five years into our marriage. I would have expected our family to be complete by now. But I don’t want to get into anything negative today. I want to focus on the fact that I’ve been married to a wonderful man for five years.

If you haven’t read how we met, check out that story here… it’s pretty funny.

Happy Anniversary, Sexy Man… I can’t wait to celebrate it with you on a four-country cruise soon!

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