When is Compassion Warranted?

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Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping him up. 
~Jesse Jackson

It seems to me that this world is full of competition. Competition to beat other countries, to be the smartest, the prettiest, the fastest, the best, the <fill in the blank>. Competition comes in many forms, but I think the worst is when I see competition for “who has it worse?” Lately, I’ve been seeing it in the infertility and mommy world. It’s definitely in the military spouse world, too. I know it’s always been there, but either I’m seeing more and more of it, or I’m noticing it more and more.

When have we suffered enough to warrant compassion—and perhaps sympathy—from others?

Is it when our spouses are gone? Or only when they’ve been deployed for a certain amount of time? Or is it only when they are in a combat zone? Or only when they reached a certain number of deployments over their career?

Is it when someone first starts struggling with having a child? Or when they are diagnosed with infertility? Or only when they’ve gone through medicated cycles? Or only when they’ve had IUIs? Or maybe not until they’ve gone through IVF… more than once? Or is it only when they realize they will never have biological kids?

Does someone deserve compassion and sympathy when their child is in the hospital for a day? Or perhaps not until one has been in for a week? Or is it only when the child has a life-threatening condition? Is it warranted for the parents of a preemie? Or only if the preemie is a certain number of weeks premature?

Is compassion warranted for those who nearly lose their children, or only to those who have lost their children? Is it only for those whose spouses have been injured on duty but recover? Or only those who have been permanently injured? Or only those who become widows or widowers?

No matter what, there is always someone who is worse off than we are. Those of us struggling with infertility have a tougher road (in this respect) than those who get pregnant easily. And those who get pregnant through medication only, have it a bit easier than those who need more invasive procedures to get pregnant. And those who DO get pregnant eventually, no matter what way… well, those who can’t would love to go through whatever they needed to in order to have children.

Those who have spouses go TDY/TAD to a school would much rather have their spouses home. And those who have their spouses deployed would prefer to have their husbands CONUS in a school. And those Gold Star spouses? They’d give anything to have their spouses anywhere on this earth–even deployed to a war zone–as long as they were living.

I sometimes struggle around other people who are dealing with infertility. Sometimes I feel as though I haven’t “earned” the right to complain because I haven’t done anything more than IUI. I haven’t had to inject myself with a million different drugs, so I feel as though I can’t ask for compassion from those who have. Some people on some boards (not here) I frequent will tell someone they have no right to complain because they haven’t gone through <insert the level>.

What about a MilSpouse who is dealing with a TDY to a school across the country? Does she not have the right to complain? What about my civilian cousin whose husband is gone 6 months out of the year to work several hours away (she gets to see him once a month)? Does she not have the right to receive compassion from those who “have it worse?”

Where does it end? Where is the line that you have to cross in order to receive compassion? I think we need more compassion in our lives. We need less one-upping and more comforting. I know there are times when I definitely could be more compassionate… what about you?

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Military Spouse Appreciation Day Link Up!

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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
~Unknown

Hello and Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day! I wanted to put together a MilSpouse Link Up so we could get to know each other and maybe find new blogs.  So write a post introducing yourself and link up with Mr. Linky below. Please visit other blogs and let them know you found them through the link up and please feel free to use the image below in your post!

MSADLU

Hi! I’m Wifey (well, that’s what my husband calls me) and Huzzy is my husband. We’ve been married for more than four years now and he’s been in the Navy for more than 14 years. Though I was born and raised in Michigan, we now live in the beautiful state of

Surprising Huzzy on the Dependent's Cruise after a long patrol... he had no idea I was coming! (No, I'm not that short, he's just super tall. I'm 5'5")

Surprising Huzzy on the Dependent’s Cruise after a long patrol… he had no idea I was coming! (No, I’m not that short, he’s just super tall. I’m 5’5″)

Washington… and this is where we intend to make our home for the rest of our years.  Not only is Huzzy in the Navy, but I’m in the Navy as well. And I work for the Navy as a civilian. So I guess you could say the Navy owns nearly every aspect of my life.

We have two enormous dogs, Skah the 5 year old Great Pyrenees and Lulu the 7 year old Greyhound, and twin cats, Kissy and Skully. We’ve been trying to have kids for quite a while now, but I’ve been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We’ve tried Clomid and IUIs, but nothing has worked so far. Right now, we are in the middle of a break so I can focus on getting ready for my physical test for the Navy.

Around here, I blog about what’s going on in my life. Sometimes it’s the Navy, sometimes it’s infertility, and somethings it’s something else. Right now, Huzzy is on shore duty (yay!), so it’s kinda like he has a “regular” job (other than the uniform he wears and 24hr duty several times a month) so I don’t always have a whole lot to say about that at this time. Right now, it’s more about infertility because that’s the major frustration.  Of course, I deal with an Army hospital for my infertility issues… so there’s always talk about that!

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy the link up!

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Military Spouse Appreciation Day Linkup

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She stood in the storm. And when the wind did not blow her way–and it surely has not–she adjusted her sails.
~Elizabeth Edwards

Friday is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. In honor of this, I will be hosting a linkup that day for all military spouses.

If you’d like to join, please write a post introducing yourself on Friday and come back and link up to Mr. Linky (similar to MilSpouse Friday Fill-ins).  I hope we all get to know a few more bloggers through this process!

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Homecomings

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Tears of joy are like the summer rain drops pierced by sunbeams. 
~Hosea Ballou

Friday was a busy day as I was helping out with the USS John C. Stennis homecoming as part of my civilian job. Those poor Sailors on the ship had been on a seven month deployment and came home last year only to find out a few months later that they were leaving on deployment four months early and would be returning at the same time.

So instead of having eight months off before a four month deployment, they had about four months off before an eight month deployment. Now, those four months they were “home” weren’t all at home. Carriers have workups and stuff that send them out for a few weeks at a time to prepare for a deployment. There was a 22 month old child who had only seen his father for 90 days of his life.

The homecoming was bittersweet. It was sweet because of all the fathers (and one mother) who came home to babies they had never met before. It was bitter because… there were sweet little babies everywhere. I can’t wait until I can watch Huzzy with our child for the first time. Hopefully that won’t happen after a deployment, but we have only two more years of trying before deployments will start again for three years. I was hoping to have a kid by now and be pregnant again before he went on deployment.

For some reason, I have always had a feeling that I would have a hard time getting pregnant. I don’t know why I would ever think this because my mom was a fertile myrtle with only one ovary and my grandma had no issues, either. But somehow, I just knew. I think you’ll find this is true for many dealing with infertility.

While I always felt I’d have a hard time getting pregnant, I had a feeling I wouldn’t have to go so far as IVF, nor injectibles. We still have two cycles (once we start again) on pills before heading to injectibles, so it still may happen that way. But in all honesty, I’m starting to feel as though this might not happen for us. As in, never. We’ll try IVF once and whatever FETs may result from that, but I think that’s as far as we will go. I’m just starting to think that we might never have a biological child. And that hurts.

I love my job and I love working at things like the Stennis homecoming… but at the same time, I feel as though no matter what I do, nearly every day I’m somehow slapped in the face with the pain that is infertility. The pain never stops because, at this point, there is no closure. It’s an open wound that is continuously seeping and can’t close because every day, it’s broken open again.

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Month of the Military Child: Her Strength

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We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.
~Stacia Tauscher

It’s Month of the Military Child and this week, I have a guest post from the fabulous Stacy of Raising Chaos. She’s the wife to Mr. Chaos and they’ve been married for six years. She’s also the mother to three incredibly adorable kids… Little Miss, Little Man, and Baby Chaos. They’ve been through five deployments together and are about to go through number six. After you read her post here, please make sure you stop over at her blog and check it out.  And without further ado, here’s her post:

 

April. Month of the military child. It took me a long time to figure out what to write for this post. There are so many aspects of the military and many children don’t understand, at least not until they are older. I realized that I have no idea what my children think of their Dad being in the military. I had no idea if they even knew what it meant to be a military family, to be a military child. So I asked one of them. Since my oldest is 6, I thought it would be interesting to see exactly what she thought of her Daddy’s job. So I sat her down with a list of questions and asked away.

Me-So Little Miss. You know that we’re a military family, meaning your Dad serves as a member of the military.

The three adorable Chaos Children.

The three adorable Chaos Children.

Little Miss- Yes. Dad’s in the Army right?

Me-That’s right. What do you think your Daddy does in the military?

Little Miss-Well, I think he has to practice a lot.

Me-Practice what?

Little Miss- He has to practice getting the bad guys for when he has real missions. He has to learn so he can protect people.

Me-Do you like when he has to go do his real missions (aka deployments)?

Little Miss- No because then I don’t get to see him for a long time.

Me-What do you miss most while he’s gone?

Little Miss-I miss playing with him and him tucking me in to bed and saying goodnight. And I don’t like that you are sad more often when he’s gone.

I had more questions but my daughter, my 6 year old, had put tears in my eyes. It was all I could do not to cry. Not to hug her. Not to tell her that she won’t have to deal with Mommy being said while her Daddy’s gone anymore.

When our husbands deploy or go on training missions or schools we think about how our home life will change. I have to think about the kid’s schedules and figure out how to do everything on my own without getting physically and mentally drained. When he’s gone, I have to think about who’s going to help me make all the phone calls to random strangers about who knows what (I hate talking on the phone to random strangers) and I have to figure out how to step out of my comfort zone. But most of all, when he’s gone, I have to figure out how it’s going to affect each of my children because no two children react the same to him being gone.

I have always felt that when he leaves for his deployments I have been the strong one, the one to help my children through but I realize, while watching my children play in the sandbox, that they are the strong ones. They are the ones that get me through each and every deployment. Without them, I’d be lost. Without their laughter and love and innocence, I would be lost.

My children are the strong ones. My children are the ones who hug me when they see me crying because I haven’t talked to my husband that day. My children are the ones that make me laugh when the internet connection was spotty and I couldn’t understand a word my husband was saying.  My children are the ones who get me through the bad times and who make those bad times good. My children are my strength. My children are warriors just like their Daddy. My children, my military children are everything to me and are the strongest little warriors I have ever known.

 

Now that you’ve read her awesome blog post, go check her out at Raising Chaos!

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Riddle me this…

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Millions saw the apple fall, but Newton asked why. 
~Bernard Baruch

There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. But right now, I’m not understanding the military’s stance on getting pregnant.

Riddle me this… TriCare (military insurance) will pay for everything to diagnose infertility and will pay for medications like Clomid and Gonal F and other things that make you ovulate more… but only if you are having timed intercourse. If you decide to do IUI, those same medications are no longer covered (same with IVF). Of course, IUI or anything that isn’t “natural” isn’t covered. But the medications? Same ones are covered or not covered depending on how you are trying to get pregnant.

So the military will pay for Viagra (even if you aren’t trying to get pregnant) but won’t pay for fertility medications… if you are doing IUI. If you are doing timed intercourse, that is fine and they are covered. But Viagra? Covered no matter what. How does this compute? It doesn’t in my mind. I can kind of see why IUI and IVF aren’t covered (they are expensive and many insurances won’t cover it), but I don’t understand at all why the medications aren’t covered for those procedures when they are for “doing it naturally.”

Did you know the military will also help pay for an adoption? Yup… up to $2,000 per child and up to $5,000 per year. They’ll pay for that, but they won’t pay for medications if you dare to even pay for IUI out of pocket. It’s a riddle to me. It’s one I’m not going to ever understand.

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Considering the next step

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Choices are the hinges of destiny. 
~ Pythagoras

So next week, we have a WTF appointment with the RE. Of course, it’s a new one that I haven’t met before. This is basically the last appointment with them before deciding if we are staying with them (Madigan Army Hospital).

I’m not a fan AT ALL that I haven’t stepped foot in the office for three months, yet have done three rounds of Clomid and two IUIs during that timeframe. I don’t like that. I don’t like that I am made to feel as if I’m testing their patience when I ask questions or question why things are being done one way vs another (truly, I’m curious). This is all on top of them not giving me the basic blood tests that everyone else goes through like progesterone or estrogen. I finally got them to do the progesterone test by saying I wanted it to make sure I ovulated (because they wouldn’t do it to see if I had enough to even CARRY a pregnancy). Guess what? It’s a very low number that can’t sustain pregnancy. But they said it was fine and it would increase if I got pregnant (it’s not high enough for that to even happen).

I also don’t like that they seem to forget things that I tell them, like that I’ve been using OPKs for a year now. Since they “prescribed” them two months ago, they think I’ve only been using them for two months, even though I’ve told them twice it’s been a year. The last phone call had the nurse saying, “Oh, you’ve been using them for a year?? Well, then, it’s DEFINITELY time for you to come in and for us to talk about doing something else.”  Um… yeah.

There’s also other things like the fact that I was ovulating before they put me on Clomid. On the two cycles I was monitored (the second being only half monitored), I only ovulated one egg each time. Ya know… exactly what I was doing without the drugs.

It’s time to move on. I realize that the last IUI wasn’t ideal in numbers, but it’s time to change the drugs I’m on. Because I don’t trust the RE to do what is right for ME (rather than treating me as just a checklist), I feel I need to go in with a plan and see what they have to say.

Right now, I’m trying to decide if I should ask for Femara or injectables like Gonal-F or Follitism.

Femara is similar to Clomid (though not FDA-approved for infertility… but has been used around the world for it). It has less side-effects than Clomid and generally doesn’t produce as many follicles as Clomid. I have a hard time thinking this is the right choice because I ovulate one egg on my own each month. I have no issues with ovulation. I only ovulated one egg on Clomid, same as without drugs, and Femera generally makes you ovulate only one egg… so what’s the reason for me to take it? I’m not sure of this and need to research more.

The injectables biggest side effect is increased follicles, which makes for a tender belly. You can also get migraines and hot flashes… which I had both while on Clomid on various cycles. Increased follicles means increased chances of multiples. From what I’ve read, injectables give you a 15-20% chance of multiples (95-97% of those are twins). Compare that to Femara’s multiple rate of 2-4% and Clomid’s rate of 7-10%.  While I’d love twins, I know they come with a bunch of risks for both babies and mom. That terrifies me. And anything more than twins? Freaks me the eff out.

So right now, we are still trying to figure out what to do. We have a week before our appointment. For those who have gone through/are going through infertility… what would you do? What do you think our next step should be?

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