Death of Innocence

I’m terrified. Two days ago, I was so excited to do an HPT (because, let’s face it, I’m not going to be able to wait until the beta Monday at 13dp3dt). I was so positive this cycle was going to work.

But I’m not excited to test anymore. I’m scared.

I’m scared this test will reveal that I’m not really pregnant.

I’m scared because this is our last chance.

I’m scared because I don’t know if I can happily live a childfree life.

And if it’s positive? Well, I know I’ll still continue to be scared. My innocence was lost along my infertility journey. I’ve seen way too many friends (mostly Twitter friends, some blog, some in real life) who have had miscarriages.

I know that being pregnant doesn’t always mean you get a take-home baby.

I know that being pregnant doesn’t always mean your take-home baby comes home in nine months. I have a friend whose son was born at 24 weeks, 5 days gestation. I have another friend whose twins were born just the other week at barely 24 weeks. That is a nightmare in itself.

So I’m not naïve enough to believe that everything is in the clear if I get a positive test. It just means I’d be one step closer to my dream. My dream that has only one shot.

I think it would be different if we had embryos that made it to freeze (or if Huzzy was ok with another round of IVF or adoption or something). Because they’d be a second/third/whatever chance. But we don’t. So this is it. The finality of it scares me. It scares me so much that I almost don’t want to know until I have to.

But then again, I have a burning desire to test because if it’s positive, I want that “am I/am I not?” uncertainty to go away, even though I know I’ll continue to worry.

I miss being naïve about pregnancy and children.

I miss thinking that one of the worst things would be getting pregnant when I wasn’t ready.

I miss just assuming that I’d start having children as soon as we tried.

I miss assuming that being pregnant meant I’d give birth to a healthy baby nine months later.

I miss being able to think about the future and be sure that I’d be a mom someday.

I miss my innocence.

(P.S. I will be in hiding the next few weeks, or at least until next week. I need to process whatever outcome the HPT/beta reveals. Thank you all for your support.)

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8 thoughts on “Death of Innocence

  1. I miss that too. :-( never thought we would be here. If you need to vent or hear crazy mother in law stories let me know. even if you just want to call to scream and cry, sad or happy.

  2. I haven’t dealt with infertility, but I have had a miscarriage…I have friends who’ve had miscarriages and lost babies born too soon. The impact that it has on you is really life (and mind) altering. I’ll be saying some prayers for you this week, and after whatever happens with a pregnancy test. Hugs, friend.

  3. I miss all that, too. It’s so sad that we lose so much along the way. Here’s hoping that it’s positive and leads to a beautiful health take home term baby.

  4. Prayers your way! I hope it’s positive and you have your precious, miracle safe and healthy. It’s hard to go through the loss of innocence and deal with the realities after living those worst fears. I’m thinking of you and sending many hugs for the positive =)

  5. Pingback: 2013: You were… there | Wife of a Sailor

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