And Then There Were… None

Nada.

Zero.

Not pregnant.

I was an idiot. I was so sure it was going to work that I tested on Thanksgiving (9dp3dt). I was wrong. So very wrong.

What it felt like my test showed me.

What it felt like my test showed me.

I wanted to get Huzzy in on some of the excitement and asked him if he wanted me to tell him the results or if he wanted to tell ME the results. He got pretty excited and really wanted to tell me.

He came in the bedroom with the test and was staring at it and staring at it and then looked at me. I thought he was trying to joke around with me before telling me it was positive. And then he said, “I don’t see a line… do you?”

I didn’t.

And I didn’t see a line the next day (10dp3dt).

And then, I waited. And still didn’t see one Monday morning (13dp3dt), just before my beta. Which, of course, turned out to be negative.

Today is the WTF appointment where we go over every aspect of our histories and the cycle to find out what went wrong, what went right, and what they would change (if anything) for another cycle.

If there is another cycle.

I’m hoping I can convince Huzzy to try one more time. I don’t feel comfortable only trying once. I thought for sure we’d have some frozen embies to at least try one frozen cycle. But trying just once? I feel like I can’t be comfortable living child free (because Huzzy is NOT ok with any other options) after trying just once.

Huzzy is worried I won’t stop. That two won’t be enough if that doesn’t work. My heart and body can’t take more than two fresh cycles. I want to do one more fresh cycle and any FETs that result (if there are any… we didn’t have any this time!). After that, I would feel we did all we reasonably could. But just once when there’s a 50-60% chance it wouldn’t work? That wasn’t okay with me.

Hopefully I can convince Huzzy.

It would take a while to save the money. I might start selling jewelry that I’ve been making to help. Huzzy also has to have varicocele surgery next month and that takes at least three months for sperm to recover from. I have to travel for the reserves to Tennessee in March, to St. Louis the last week of April/first week of May, to Portland for my civilian job in June, and have to be in Seattle the last week of July/first weekend of August. Because this travel, I won’t be able to be at monitoring appointments, so we can’t do another cycle until I can for sure be at monitoring appointments. That makes it August/September before we can even think of trying again.

Ya know… the same time I’d be due if this cycle worked out.

So that’s where I am. In limbo. In pain. Trying to deal with the fact it didn’t work. Mourning the loss of what might have been and mourning our four embies, two of which died inside me. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

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6 thoughts on “And Then There Were… None

  1. My heart aches for you.

    I’ve never told this to anyone, but our first cycle resulted in me having a miscarriage. It was the hardest, scariest thing. I was sure I didn’t want to do it again. To go through that, but my husband convinced me, as you said, that once just wasn’t enough. That our next time may work. That we should try just once more. So we waited. Now, and this is top secret, we are pregnant from the second round (I still am scared every dang day!) and November would have been when I would have given birth if the first round had worked. Isn’t it crazy how things work out? We didn’t have any frozen embryos either, which concerned me. In a nutshell, please don’t give up. I know it’s hard. But please, if you can convince the huzzy, try at least once more. I told myself my body knew what to expect this last round. How to prepare. To be stronger. I’m not sure if that worked or not, but it’s what I’m going with. I have faith that it’ll work out for you guys. It has to.

    I’m here if you need anything!!

  2. I can’t imagine what you’re dealing with, both from your inner demons (the what happened’s, what went wrong, whys, etc) and from being half of a married couple. I hope that at the appointment today you get some answers or ideas for going forward. At the very least, if given the chance to try again you’ll at least know what to expect in regards to the injections, etc.

  3. I wish I had words that would sooth and make another try better. But I do think there is a reason why most folks go for the 3 rounds… not that it makes it any better. After the first you have more information on YOU and how you respond. I personally feel that a second round is a must (depending). I get you huzz’s fear but…. some times you just have to go for it.

  4. I am so sorry your first IVF didn’t work. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers (if you don’t mind) that a solution can be found to ensure that you get some frozen babies next time.

  5. Pingback: 2013: You were… there | Wife of a Sailor

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