Hello and Happy Military Spouse Appreciation Day! I wanted to put together a MilSpouse Link Up so we could get to know each other and maybe find new blogs.  So write a post introducing yourself and link up with Mr. Linky below. Please visit other blogs and let them know you found them through the link up and please feel free to use the image below in your post!

Hi! I’m Wifey (well, that’s what my husband calls me) and Huzzy is my husband. We’ve been married for more than four years now and he’s been in the Navy for more than 14 years. Though I was born and raised in Michigan, we now live in the beautiful state of

Surprising Huzzy on the Dependent’s Cruise after a long patrol… he had no idea I was coming! (No, I’m not that short, he’s just super tall. I’m 5’5″)

Washington… and this is where we intend to make our home for the rest of our years.  Not only is Huzzy in the Navy, but I’m in the Navy as well. And I work for the Navy as a civilian. So I guess you could say the Navy owns nearly every aspect of my life.

We have two enormous dogs, Skah the 5 year old Great Pyrenees and Lulu the 7 year old Greyhound, and twin cats, Kissy and Skully. We’ve been trying to have kids for quite a while now, but I’ve been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. We’ve tried Clomid and IUIs, but nothing has worked so far. Right now, we are in the middle of a break so I can focus on getting ready for my physical test for the Navy.

Around here, I blog about what’s going on in my life. Sometimes it’s the Navy, sometimes it’s infertility, and somethings it’s something else. Right now, Huzzy is on shore duty (yay!), so it’s kinda like he has a “regular” job (other than the uniform he wears and 24hr duty several times a month) so I don’t always have a whole lot to say about that at this time. Right now, it’s more about infertility because that’s the major frustration.  Of course, I deal with an Army hospital for my infertility issues… so there’s always talk about that!

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy the link up!

Friday is Military Spouse Appreciation Day. In honor of this, I will be hosting a linkup that day for all military spouses.

If you’d like to join, please write a post introducing yourself on Friday and come back and link up to Mr. Linky (similar to MilSpouse Friday Fill-ins).  I hope we all get to know a few more bloggers through this process!

Friday was a busy day as I was helping out with the USS John C. Stennis homecoming as part of my civilian job. Those poor Sailors on the ship had been on a seven month deployment and came home last year only to find out a few months later that they were leaving on deployment four months early and would be returning at the same time.

So instead of having eight months off before a four month deployment, they had about four months off before an eight month deployment. Now, those four months they were “home” weren’t all at home. Carriers have workups and stuff that send them out for a few weeks at a time to prepare for a deployment. There was a 22 month old child who had only seen his father for 90 days of his life.

The homecoming was bittersweet. It was sweet because of all the fathers (and one mother) who came home to babies they had never met before. It was bitter because… there were sweet little babies everywhere. I can’t wait until I can watch Huzzy with our child for the first time. Hopefully that won’t happen after a deployment, but we have only two more years of trying before deployments will start again for three years. I was hoping to have a kid by now and be pregnant again before he went on deployment.

For some reason, I have always had a feeling that I would have a hard time getting pregnant. I don’t know why I would ever think this because my mom was a fertile myrtle with only one ovary and my grandma had no issues, either. But somehow, I just knew. I think you’ll find this is true for many dealing with infertility.

While I always felt I’d have a hard time getting pregnant, I had a feeling I wouldn’t have to go so far as IVF, nor injectibles. We still have two cycles (once we start again) on pills before heading to injectibles, so it still may happen that way. But in all honesty, I’m starting to feel as though this might not happen for us. As in, never. We’ll try IVF once and whatever FETs may result from that, but I think that’s as far as we will go. I’m just starting to think that we might never have a biological child. And that hurts.

I love my job and I love working at things like the Stennis homecoming… but at the same time, I feel as though no matter what I do, nearly every day I’m somehow slapped in the face with the pain that is infertility. The pain never stops because, at this point, there is no closure. It’s an open wound that is continuously seeping and can’t close because every day, it’s broken open again.

It’s Month of the Military Child and this week, I have a guest post from the fabulous Stacy of Raising Chaos. She’s the wife to Mr. Chaos and they’ve been married for six years. She’s also the mother to three incredibly adorable kids… Little Miss, Little Man, and Baby Chaos. They’ve been through five deployments together and are about to go through number six. After you read her post here, please make sure you stop over at her blog and check it out.  And without further ado, here’s her post:

April. Month of the military child. It took me a long time to figure out what to write for this post. There are so many aspects of the military and many children don’t understand, at least not until they are older. I realized that I have no idea what my children think of their Dad being in the military. I had no idea if they even knew what it meant to be a military family, to be a military child. So I asked one of them. Since my oldest is 6, I thought it would be interesting to see exactly what she thought of her Daddy’s job. So I sat her down with a list of questions and asked away.

Me-So Little Miss. You know that we’re a military family, meaning your Dad serves as a member of the military.

The three adorable Chaos Children.

Little Miss- Yes. Dad’s in the Army right?

Me-That’s right. What do you think your Daddy does in the military?

Little Miss-Well, I think he has to practice a lot.

Me-Practice what?

Little Miss- He has to practice getting the bad guys for when he has real missions. He has to learn so he can protect people.

Me-Do you like when he has to go do his real missions (aka deployments)?

Little Miss- No because then I don’t get to see him for a long time.

Me-What do you miss most while he’s gone?

Little Miss-I miss playing with him and him tucking me in to bed and saying goodnight. And I don’t like that you are sad more often when he’s gone.

I had more questions but my daughter, my 6 year old, had put tears in my eyes. It was all I could do not to cry. Not to hug her. Not to tell her that she won’t have to deal with Mommy being said while her Daddy’s gone anymore.

When our husbands deploy or go on training missions or schools we think about how our home life will change. I have to think about the kid’s schedules and figure out how to do everything on my own without getting physically and mentally drained. When he’s gone, I have to think about who’s going to help me make all the phone calls to random strangers about who knows what (I hate talking on the phone to random strangers) and I have to figure out how to step out of my comfort zone. But most of all, when he’s gone, I have to figure out how it’s going to affect each of my children because no two children react the same to him being gone.

I have always felt that when he leaves for his deployments I have been the strong one, the one to help my children through but I realize, while watching my children play in the sandbox, that they are the strong ones. They are the ones that get me through each and every deployment. Without them, I’d be lost. Without their laughter and love and innocence, I would be lost.

My children are the strong ones. My children are the ones who hug me when they see me crying because I haven’t talked to my husband that day. My children are the ones that make me laugh when the internet connection was spotty and I couldn’t understand a word my husband was saying.  My children are the ones who get me through the bad times and who make those bad times good. My children are my strength. My children are warriors just like their Daddy. My children, my military children are everything to me and are the strongest little warriors I have ever known.

Now that you’ve read her awesome blog post, go check her out at Raising Chaos!

There are a lot of things in life that I don’t understand. But right now, I’m not understanding the military’s stance on getting pregnant.

Riddle me this… TriCare (military insurance) will pay for everything to diagnose infertility and will pay for medications like Clomid and Gonal F and other things that make you ovulate more… but only if you are having timed intercourse. If you decide to do IUI, those same medications are no longer covered (same with IVF). Of course, IUI or anything that isn’t “natural” isn’t covered. But the medications? Same ones are covered or not covered depending on how you are trying to get pregnant.

So the military will pay for Viagra (even if you aren’t trying to get pregnant) but won’t pay for fertility medications… if you are doing IUI. If you are doing timed intercourse, that is fine and they are covered. But Viagra? Covered no matter what. How does this compute? It doesn’t in my mind. I can kind of see why IUI and IVF aren’t covered (they are expensive and many insurances won’t cover it), but I don’t understand at all why the medications aren’t covered for those procedures when they are for “doing it naturally.”

Did you know the military will also help pay for an adoption? Yup… up to $2,000 per child and up to $5,000 per year. They’ll pay for that, but they won’t pay for medications if you dare to even pay for IUI out of pocket. It’s a riddle to me. It’s one I’m not going to ever understand.

So next week, we have a WTF appointment with the RE. Of course, it’s a new one that I haven’t met before. This is basically the last appointment with them before deciding if we are staying with them (Madigan Army Hospital).

I’m not a fan AT ALL that I haven’t stepped foot in the office for three months, yet have done three rounds of Clomid and two IUIs during that timeframe. I don’t like that. I don’t like that I am made to feel as if I’m testing their patience when I ask questions or question why things are being done one way vs another (truly, I’m curious). This is all on top of them not giving me the basic blood tests that everyone else goes through like progesterone or estrogen. I finally got them to do the progesterone test by saying I wanted it to make sure I ovulated (because they wouldn’t do it to see if I had enough to even CARRY a pregnancy). Guess what? It’s a very low number that can’t sustain pregnancy. But they said it was fine and it would increase if I got pregnant (it’s not high enough for that to even happen).

I also don’t like that they seem to forget things that I tell them, like that I’ve been using OPKs for a year now. Since they “prescribed” them two months ago, they think I’ve only been using them for two months, even though I’ve told them twice it’s been a year. The last phone call had the nurse saying, “Oh, you’ve been using them for a year?? Well, then, it’s DEFINITELY time for you to come in and for us to talk about doing something else.”  Um… yeah.

There’s also other things like the fact that I was ovulating before they put me on Clomid. On the two cycles I was monitored (the second being only half monitored), I only ovulated one egg each time. Ya know… exactly what I was doing without the drugs.

It’s time to move on. I realize that the last IUI wasn’t ideal in numbers, but it’s time to change the drugs I’m on. Because I don’t trust the RE to do what is right for ME (rather than treating me as just a checklist), I feel I need to go in with a plan and see what they have to say.

Right now, I’m trying to decide if I should ask for Femara or injectables like Gonal-F or Follitism.

Femara is similar to Clomid (though not FDA-approved for infertility… but has been used around the world for it). It has less side-effects than Clomid and generally doesn’t produce as many follicles as Clomid. I have a hard time thinking this is the right choice because I ovulate one egg on my own each month. I have no issues with ovulation. I only ovulated one egg on Clomid, same as without drugs, and Femera generally makes you ovulate only one egg… so what’s the reason for me to take it? I’m not sure of this and need to research more.

The injectables biggest side effect is increased follicles, which makes for a tender belly. You can also get migraines and hot flashes… which I had both while on Clomid on various cycles. Increased follicles means increased chances of multiples. From what I’ve read, injectables give you a 15-20% chance of multiples (95-97% of those are twins). Compare that to Femara’s multiple rate of 2-4% and Clomid’s rate of 7-10%.  While I’d love twins, I know they come with a bunch of risks for both babies and mom. That terrifies me. And anything more than twins? Freaks me the eff out.

So right now, we are still trying to figure out what to do. We have a week before our appointment. For those who have gone through/are going through infertility… what would you do? What do you think our next step should be?

<side note before I get into my post> I have taken a social media break from Twitter and Facebook and am only selectively reading certain blogs at the moment. It hurts too much to do anything else. I can’t continue to see happy babies and newborns, people announcing pregnancies, and people complaining about their kids/pregnancy. I know I’ll end up doing the same things they are if we ever had kids and it’s not their problem. It’s mine.

So I decided to do something about it. So far, I’ve made it three days and it is helping, but I have a long way to go. I’ve learned that no one (save one person) misses me in a three day absence, so it might actually be for the best to step away from social media more often once I get back from it. I don’t want to get really wrapped up into it.   While I think blogging is social media, I can choose which blogs to read and writing them myself helps get my feelings out. I love writing and it’s definitely cathartic.  <end side note>

I just learned this morning that Nobel Prize winning IVF pioneer Sir Robert Edwards has died at the age of 87 (he was knighted for his work in 2011). His work led to the birth of Louise Brown, the first “test tube baby,” in 1978. Imagine that. We’ve only had the option of IVF for 35 years. I recently read that since then, 200,000 babies have been born through IVF (I’m not sure how accurate that number is, but I’m sure it’s in the ballpark).

That’s 200,000 babies who found the parents who had been longing for them so much that they gave their bodies over to injections and drugs and science in order to receive their miracles. I hope that we don’t have to go that route, but it is comforting to know that option is there, thanks to a British genius.

Sir Edwards has made a huge impact on this world and his work will live on forever. He has brought hope and joy into the lives of many and has helped create thousands of families.

Sir Robert Edwards… thank you. Thank you for everything.

I went grocery shopping today and on my list was more pregnancy tests because I’m a glutton for punishment and can’t seem to NOT test even though I’m 99.9% sure it’s not going to be positive. Ya know, because it hasn’t been all weekend.

So I get to the checkout and as I’m putting my stuff on the belt, I notice that the cashier is being REALLY chatty to the person in front of me. Panic ensues. Normal women might enjoy chatting with the cashier… but as someone dealing with infertility, chatty cashiers when I have a pregnancy test to buy make me feel like going into flight-or-flight mode. I wasn’t wrong for having that reaction.

The first thing she said (she’s in her late 30′s to mid 40′s) is, “Ohhhh! A baaaaaby!  Yaaaaay!”  I ignored the comment, but she didn’t stop there (what if I didn’t want a baby and was hoping the test was negative???).  The rest of the conversation went as follows:

Cashier: So you think you are pregnant?

Me: I wish.

Cashier: Have you been trying long?

Me: Quite a while now.

Cashier: Well, I guess if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, right?

Me:  Uh, I guess.

Cashier: Isn’t it horrible that there are so many people who just throw their babies away and they are found dead? Like on the news this morning, they had a story about the newborn that was thrown away and found dead in the woods.

Me: …..

<<<yeah, I stopped responding at this point… I couldn’t even fake keeping up the conversation at this point>>>

I know the comment about “if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be” was meant to help (which it DOESN’T), but why in the WORLD would I want to talk about people throwing away their babies?  Why?

I don’t think the $2 coupon I wanted to use for the pregnancy tests was worth the heartache of dealing with this. Forget the coupons, I’ll start buying online again.

I love learning more about my fellow MilSpouse bloggers. So I created a weekly meme, which has now morphed into a monthly meme. This happens the first Friday of every month. To do this, I’ll post a list of questions the day before (on Thursday so you can have your blog ready on Friday). Come back here on Friday (like today!) and enter your blog post into Mr. Linky below so others know who else participated and we can all visit other blogs. Please leave a comment too! And please feel free to use the button above!

1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?
I honestly don’t think there’s anything I would have changed.

2. What was your favorite thing that happened in March? 
Huzzy and I went to the Skyview Restaurant at the top of the Space Needle for our 4th anniversary. We did it for our first anniversary as well and it’s fantastic!

3. What are you looking forward to in April?
There really isn’t a whole lot special happening here other than Huzzy’s 33rd birthday. We are skipping the submarine ball this year because of the $80 per ticket price… which doesn’t include parking in Seattle nor the hotel. It’d be around $300 for just the night. That’s the price of 1 1/2 IUIs!

4. What is your favorite thing about Spring? 
I love the warmth and the sense of newness. It’s the hope of a new year dawning.

5. What is your ultimate guilty pleasure?
Reading in bed all day long! Loooove it!

I love learning more about my fellow MilSpouse bloggers. So I created a weekly meme, which has now morphed into a monthly meme. This happens on the first Friday of every month. To do this, I post a list of questions the day before (on Thursday so you can have your blog ready on Friday). Come back here on Friday (tomorrow)  and enter your blog post into Mr. Linky!

1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?

2. What was your favorite thing that happened in March? 

3. What are you looking forward to in April?

4. What is your favorite thing about Spring?

5. What is your ultimate guilty pleasure?

Can’t wait to see what you come up with tomorrow!