**WARNING: THERE MAY BE ADULT WORDS IN THIS POST. DON’T READ IF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED.**

Every time I deal with Chase Bank, I get royally screwed.
~Me

Dear Chase Bank,

I hope you have web crawlers. I hope they find this blog. I hope you actually pay attention. But you don’t. You aren’t in business to help customers. You are in business solely to line the pockets of  your weasel-y corporate executives.

You know what’s sad, Chase Bank?  I used to work for you. For two years. I regaled your strengths and totally believed in them. When I left the bank, I was sad, but I had just graduated college and was off to start work in my chosen career field.

I continued to be a loyal customer, until a year later when you decided to shove it up my rear end. And you didn’t even use lube.  You charged me with more than $800 in banking fees. Fees which, dear Chase Bank, you agreed should never have been charged.

But, since they resulted because of problems between my credit card and my banking card, you refused to do anything about them. Even though you are one company, you are several different entities.  Your credit card said it was their fault there were charges in my bank account. But they didn’t have the authority to refund fees in my checking account. Your banking department said it wasn’t their fault the credit card screwed up.

I even took it up to the regional manager. You agreed that I should never have been charged… but each entity said they didn’t have the ability to pay for the others’ mistakes. So I was stuck in the middle. And I had to pay. You realize, dear Chase Bank, that the amount you charged me in fees was more than one ENTIRE year of discretionary income at the time?

I quickly changed all my accounts. I refuse to get any sort of card, even a loyalty card, if it is tied to you. Chase Bank, you are a large company and that is really hard to do. But I manage.

But now here we are, three and a half years later. I’m unemployed. Not because I was laid off or anything like that, but because I got married. To someone who is DEFENDING YOUR FREEDOM. And because of that, I had to move.

And unfortunately, Michigan unemployment uses you, Chase Bank, to disperse their unemployment funds. I tried to get it changed to direct deposit, but this first one always has to come on your debit cards.

So when my unemployment money card did not arrive last Friday, as promised by the Michigan Unemployment Insurance Agency, I called you as per their request. You informed me that you had indeed sent out a card on March 5th.

I find that a little strange, Chase Bank, since I hadn’t been approved for unemployment compensation until March 29th. Why would you send out a card before someone was approved?

But I was desperate to get my money. I haven’t received a paycheck since February. So, even though I know I didn’t receive my card, I agreed to pay your stupid $17.50 fee to get the card overnighted. You said it would be here today between 9 a.m. and 10 p.m.

Indeed, the package showed up on time. I opened it to find a card and instructions to activate my card. You see, I desperately need this money in order to pay for all the repairs to my “new” older car I just purchased. Money I can’t afford.

Imagine my surprise when I called your authorization number only to be told the card was reported lost/stolen.  It was then I took a good look at the card. You gave me someone else’s card Chase Bank. She had the same first name but a last name that didn’t even start with the same letter as mine. And the paper it was attached to had this same person’s name and address. You gave me someone else’s card so now I have her card number and her address. Way to be smart.

So, Chase Bank, I talked to your customer service rep. She told me that you could send out another card but that it wasn’t  your fault because they sent it to the right address. Um, yeah, but you sent the WRONG CARD to the RIGHT ADDRESS. Your rep couldn’t comprehend that. So I asked to speak with a manager.

Your manager got it. She apologized. She even refunded the $17.50 I had to pay for the WRONG DAMN CARD. Of course, that was only after I bitched enough. And she said she was going to send out my new card overnight.

But here’s the catch, Chase Bank. It won’t be delivered until Monday. The OVERNIGHT SERVICE can’t deliver until Monday. Because the cutoff date for tomorrow’s shipment has passed. And FedEx doesn’t deliver on Saturday. And you won’t send it overnight postal mail (it’s coming from California, so it’s not that far). Postal mail delivers on Saturday. But noooo, Chase Bank, you won’t do that for me.

So now, I have tons of bills that need to be paid and I promised that they would be paid tomorrow. And they won’t be. And I have to figure out how to pay the $800 in car repairs tomorrow so I can pick up the car when I have less than that in the bank. You see, Chase Bank, I was going to use the money that was SUPPOSED to be here last Friday (and then again today) to do that. But once again, you’ve screwed up.

You suck, Chase Bank.  You suck big, hairy monkey balls. You screw people up the a$$ without lube and without the benefit of a reach around. Fu#k you, Chase Bank. I hope the government forecloses on your debts and shuts you down.