It Hit Me

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.
~Edna St Vincent Millay

Huzzy’s gone. You know that from my last post. I know that (duh!). I’ve been preparing his first care package. I’ve been driving his truck. I’ve been dealing with dogs and letting them outside, feeding them and cleaning up their puke. I’ve mowed the lawn and put the garbage out for the trash man. All things that Huzzy normally does.

I mean, I know he’s gone. But you for those of you who have done deployments before, you know there is a time where it just *hits* you. That was today.

I was shopping at Target getting a few things for Huzzy’s care package. I knew I needed some Lean Cuisines and other things for quick meals. I looked down the aisle and saw the sign. It said, “Meals for One.”  That’s when it hit me. I’m having to buy stuff just for me. I’m not buying stuff Huzzy would like or enough for two. I’m buying for one. I started to blink back the tears and tried to hold it in. Luckily, I was successful. Well, for the time being.

I could feel the curtain of sadness descend. The rest of my shopping was robotic. I felt like my eyes were blank. I just walked around getting what I needed and headed out of there. I saw little cute babies but it didn’t even make me smile. I just glanced over them and kept going. Even a three year old in a pink tutu, who obviously chose her outfit, didn’t break me out of it.

I came home right after. I was going to do some more errands but right now, I just want to sit here and veg out. I’ll get over it. It may take a few days, but I’ll get over it. Tomorrow, I’m meeting a milspouse for coffee and then going to an FRG meeting (Family Readiness Group). If I’m not over it by then, well, I can fake being all happy and that stuff.

I hate when it hits. But, that just means that I’m that much closer to falling into a routine. And that always makes the days apart go that much faster.

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10 thoughts on “It Hit Me

  1. Aww, I’m sorry 😦 *hug* Veg out and don’t feel guilty about it at all… you deserve some time to just be by yourself and deal with it. I hope you’re feeling better tomorrow!

  2. Suck. That’s all I can say. Grocery shopping always bums me out when DH is gone. Laundry, too, especially when I run out of his clothes and it’s only mine and the Captain’s in the machine. I HATE it when it sneaks up on me, especially when I’m in public. Take the time to be sad and then put it away and do what you need to do–one foot in front of the other.

    Hope you’re having a better day today.

  3. I so understand, we started our seventh deployment recently and I wonder when it will feel normal. I hate the beginning part, I want to get to the this is life part

  4. Wow. I can sooo relate. With every separation/deployment, there is always one particular song on the raido that puts e int he same place EVERY time I hear it. Even when he returs, it still touches me. I hoping you are getting into your stride.

  5. I hate when it hits me. I had that moment a couple of weeks ago, and it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I don’t even remember what caused it. Maybe seeing hubby’s toothpaste he left behind or the coffee pot that sits unused on the counter (I don’t drink coffee but he does). But we have this wonderful mil spouse blogging community that’s all over the blogosphere and twitter, and that reminds me that I’m not as alone as I think I am. Keep smiling!

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