The Birthday-Approaching Blues

There is still no cure for the common birthday. 
~John Glenn

Today, I realized that my 30th birthday is less than two weeks away. I’ve known that it was coming, but it hit me tonight. It’s the first birthday that I’m thinking of all the things I “thought” I’d have/be doing by it. I mean…  10 years ago, I thought I’d be married with two small children and visiting my family once every other month or so.

I’m married, and married to a fantastic guy. But we don’t have kids even though we would both love to have them right now. I don’t know if the road to to having children will be rocky or not. What I do know is that I’m 99% sure I had an early miscarriage last month (called a chemical pregnancy). And while in my brain, I know that something like 40-70% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage (though most are chemical pregnancies and a majority women don’t even know they are pregnant before they… aren’t), it’s still tough to deal with.

And it was happening as I was sitting on a plane and then going into work the next morning. How do you pretend that everything is okay when that is happening? Because it’s really hard to tell people, “pretty sure I was pregnant but didn’t even make it to the doctor to get confirmed.”  It was also SO freakin’ early that it’s hard to even believe it might have been happening myself.

It’s also something that starts me worrying if this will be a long process. Because if we want to have two children (and we do!), if we don’t have them in the next five years or so, there’s a good chance that I won’t be able to have them thanks to some family history that will force a hysterectomy.

Anyway, I’m done talking about that. I wasn’t even going to post it but someone who I confided in said I shouldn’t have to go through it alone (though I wasn’t because Huzzy is here but it’s not the same). And I started thinking she was right. One of the reasons I started this blog was to share my life so that it might also help others. I’m sure some of you have gone though the same thing.

Other topic: Huzzy and I splurged this week! Tomorrow, we are getting new floors installed throughout the top floor of our house: our dining room, livingroom, hallway and the three upstairs bedrooms. We also bought a new couch! Unfortunately, the couch is on backorder and won’t get here until July, but still.

Oh gosh. I am old. We spend $10,000 on floors and furniture and I get excited and am extremely happy with the idea. My young self would have purchased a new car (coming later this year!) or gone on vacation or done something else with it. Furniture and floors? Yup, I’m old.



16 thoughts on “The Birthday-Approaching Blues

  1. I don’t think you’re old:) And getting the floors done sounds great…it just means you’re a home owner!

    You know if you ever need to talk I’m here to listen!

  2. You know I’ve caught myself thinking about that 30! LOL. I turned 29 and we just had what will probably be our last kid – although my huzzy is way more excited about that then I am. we just spent a ton of money on furniture and almost every major holiday or special even this year has been celebrated the purchasing of something practically or splurgie practical for the house….and we were both excited about it! Oh heavens. At least I know I’m not alone 🙂 What are military spouse/blogger friends for right?

  3. 30s can be way fun! At least, I feel like I’ve been able to come to terms with what my life is and isn’t much better since I turned 30. It’s kind of a relief 🙂

    So sorry you’re dealing with the loss of a pregnancy – no matter how new they are, losing that dream is heartbreaking. Don’t give up, hope, though! It might work out sooner than you think. x

  4. I have a friend who miscarried just like on a flight back to Japan. When I caught up with her after her return she was broken hearted thinking she would never be able to have children. But, because of that experience the Navy sent them back to the states where she received better medical care and today they have a healthy 18 month old little boy. Another friend went through several miscarriages and also went through those same feelings and now she not only has a 4 and 2 year old but is preggos with twins! And she is 38!!! There is hope and time :)…. I am so very sorry you had to go through an awful experience like that.

    On a lighter note….. I would be excited about the floors, too :).

  5. Just wait until you sit in your yard watching the robins pick worms out of your garden. That is when you know you are old. (We did that last week and it hit me we are getting old)

    And on the other topic, if you need anyone to talk to, I have been through that before and I am always here for you. Big hugs!!!

  6. Hey, I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you. I’m here if you want to talk about anything, or just squee with a fellow late-twenties homeowner who gets excited about old-people stuff like new floors. 😉

  7. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through that. I have never gone through that specifically but I have been struggling with infertility for quite some time and I know how much it hurts. If you ever need someone to talk/vent to, I’m definitely here!

  8. New floors?? I’m so envious. 🙂 But then again, I’m in my 30s, too, heehee! Don’t worry too much about the impending birthday- it’s just a number. It’s how you feel that matters most!

    My mom had eight miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy. My parents adopted me and my sister when they were 33 & 34. Just after my first birthday, my mom found out she was pregnant again, and had my full-term brother at 35 years old. I guess what I’m trying to say is that your miscarriage isn’t necessarily an indication of your future. I’m so sorry you are going through that, and I wish you the best in your baby-making endeavors!

  9. I know you said that you didn’t know what your fertility was going to be like, but I’m a planner and a read every single bit of information I can find (drives me and the hubby nuts sometimes)…but a book that I read that was absolutely amazing that my friends and I have passed around is Taking Charge of Your Fertility. was very helpful

  10. Sorry you’re dealing with all that stuff… I’m glad that you at least have Huzzy home for support while going through it. I’m thinking of you!

    And I would be thrilled about new floors too (and a new couch!).

  11. Hey, getting excited for new floors and couches means you’re definitely an adult now and in a much better situation to have kids. =) Thank you for sharing your story, it’s reeeeeally nice to hear other women are in similar situations. I completely understand your brain knowing one thing and your emotions thinking something totally different. I also know the high rate of miscarriages, I know it’s not necessarily and indication of fertility, I know it’s better to have ended earlier and yet my emotions are all over the place ever other day! Hormones go whacky with a pregnancy and I’m sure it’ll take some time to recover. Best of luck recuperating, recovery and rejoicing in your birthday!

  12. I know that your impending 30th birthday can feel scary, but take it from me, it’s not so bad. I had my 30th last year and I am still loving life. I’m on the verge of getting married and still have no kiddos, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and I feel the same is true for you. I know it totally doesn’t make any sense sometimes, but hang in there! You still have important things to get excited over like great new floors:) I am the same way about that kind of stuff, who doesn’t LOVE a new stove or washer/dryer??!

  13. Happy (almost) 30th birthday! Us Geminis gotta stick together 🙂

    I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage – on a plane no less. I do hope that was the only hiccup in your journey to parenthood. Sending good vibes your way…especially as your feet enjoy those amazing new floors!!

  14. Miscarriages suck, no matter how early they are. I couldn’t imagine that happening on a plane (mine happened at Walgreen’s, ugh). Most of my friends LOVE their 30’s. And who needs a life plan anyway? That just makes things predictable.

    And hooray for us Geminis.

  15. I’m sorry. 30 is scary and really not that far away for me either! Apparently 30 is the time of life everyone loves, which is good because I really didn’t like my early 20’s, lol. Anyway, virtual hugs and hopes.

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