Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever.
Father’s Day is coming up this weekend. We have nothing to celebrate. Absolutely nothing. It’s just a painful reminder for us. A reminder of what once was and what isn’t now.
Unlike the excruciating Mother’s Day that every woman dealing with infertility dreads, Father’s Day—from what I’ve seen— is not usually treated as sensitively. There’s usually not as much outcry from the infertility crowd to please be sensitive to those who are not fathers, even though they desperately want to be. But then again, most of the people on social media that I see are women.
However, Father’s Day is much more painful for me. Though Mother’s Day is heart-wrenching for sure, Huzzy and I both use it as a holiday to celebrate our own mothers. Though it doesn’t help entirely, it’s easier to be able to focus on someone else instead of our own grief.
But Father’s Day is different. There’s no one we can celebrate or call or focus on. We both no longer have fathers in our lives (don’t get me started on how much we both grieve that not only will our children never have a grandfather, but that our dads never got to be grandfathers to our children). Huzzy’s dad died a little more than two years ago. Mine has been gone for almost eight and a half years.
So Father’s Day? It’s a big reminder of the loss we both still deal with. It’s also a reminder to Huzzy that he’s not a dad. And it’s a reminder to me that I have been unable to give my husband the joy of being a father, which brings a whole passel of guilt upon me. It’s a reminder of loss and pain. There’s nothing good we can salvage from Father’s Day. It’s just a very, very painful day all around.
This time last year, I was 90% sure I had had an early miscarriage the month prior and was hoping beyond hope that I could tell Huzzy he was going to be a dad on Father’s Day (it’s when I could start testing that cycle). I bought a Father’s Day card expecting that if I couldn’t give it to him for Father’s Day, I’d be able to give it to him sometime soon and call the day he learned we were expecting Father’s Day.
That card is still sitting in a drawer under the bathroom sink. Just waiting.
Maybe next year we can celebrate. But for now, I ask for everyone to please remember the men who are part of the infertility battle. Please remember to be sensitive to them and know that they may be hurting as well. Also remember that even if someone isn’t dealing with infertility, a day like this can still be painful if they have lost a father.