“What will be, will be.”
My mom told me that in an email yesterday regarding my retrieval today (yes, this is a scheduled blog since I should be in la-la-land right now as a giant needle sucks out my eggs). And while I understand where she is coming from, if I just allowed things to “be” then we wouldn’t have involved doctors. We wouldn’t have taken medication. We wouldn’t be doing all we could to be healthy in order to give ourselves the best chance at becoming parents.
There comes a point when you can’t do anything else… whether that is because you came to an emotional end to the journey or you physically couldn’t do anything else. And at that point, yes, you need to realize that’s all you can do. But until then… don’t tell me what will be, will be. Because that’s not okay with me. That’s not what I’m okay with and until I believe I’ve done all I can do… I’ll continue to do all I can and I won’t just leave it be.
“I admire you because if I had been in your shoes, I wouldn’t have chosen to go through with all of that.”
Another doozy from my mom. She has always been the most supportive person and very sensitive to others’ feelings. I’m starting to feel that the last few years (she’s in her mid-60s), she’s losing her filter as many people do as they age.
Again, I know she was trying to praise me for what I’m going through. But really? You wouldn’t have? I guess it’s a good thing that even though you were a year older than I am now , had endometriosis, and had one entire ovary removed, you were able to get pregnant (and have the sought-after one boy, one girl deal, too). Because otherwise, you wouldn’t have chosen to do anything and I wouldn’t be here. She added that she didn’t think “the side-effects” were worth trying again.
If we are granted a miracle and our IVF cycle works, I can’t imagine looking at a child and saying, “You weren’t worth the pain and money and side effects.” Because the child would be. Totally would be worth it. And if it doesn’t work? Well, at least I won’t wonder what would have happened if I had chanced the side effects.
Since my brother’s wife got pregnant, I’ve pulled back a bit because it’s still hard for me to know that I’m not able to give her the joy that she’s feeling because of her other child. But it shows from her, too. Before SIL got pregnant, my mom was all about it and saying, “It’ll all be worth it in the end, you have to give it whatever you have.” Now it’s “it’s not worth it.” Why? Because the child you thought didn’t want children suddenly does and now you have a grandchild on the way just three months after they started trying?
I’m sure it’s partly the lovely hormones coursing through my body, but I’m having such a hard time talking to my mom when I never used to have the trouble (of course, it doesn’t help that when I sent a photo of my large medication-induced belly and said the meds were really working… she said, that or you are just getting flabby like me—uh, what?).