Sometimes support blindsides you…

I’m bawling right now. I’m bawling because of the most awesome, sweetest message of caring I was just given via Facebook. I have not seen this friend since our family moved away the summer after my freshman year of high school. So it’s been 17 years since I’ve seen her. We reconnected on Facebook a few years ago, but our relationship is of the “like the status, sometimes comment on photos.” She has kids, so ya know… sometimes it’s hard to see the happy smiling family.  And then, out of the blue, I get this message (I rarely post on FB about infertility except during NIAW, which was two weeks ago).

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Her: I also wanted you to know that I am praying for you and your struggles with infertility.  I don’t know what to say, except that I think of you often, especially with seeing so many young women terminating their pregnancies and the horror of this week in the news.  I can’t help but think about the strong friend I have and her heartbreaks.  If you ever want to talk about it I am here for you!  My sister XXX, went through major struggles in between her two kids, she had four miscarriages and numerous treatments.  When we got talking this morning, I told her about your struggles, she said you can email her any time you need to talk or vent.  =)
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I was so taken aback. This is exactly the kind of message those of us struggling with infertility need. Just support. No “advice” or “suggestions” or telling us it’ll happen.  So this is what I wrote back:

 

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Me: 
XXX… I just can’t even find the words right now (and words are what I do for a living).

Your message is the sweetest, most caring, most PERFECT thing anyone has said to me in a long time. I appreciate your prayers and your support. But what I appreciate the most is the fact that you didn’t tell me that everything was going to be ok and that I’d be a mom someday (when the time was right… when it’s God’s time… when I least expect it, etc). Everyone says that.

And it’s just simply not true. Not everyone gets to be a mom. It doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes, it just doesn’t happen. There is no good reason why it doesn’t happen to those of us who long for them and yet, happens easily to those who throw their babies away, mistreat them, etc.

Unfortunately, my husband is not okay with anything but a biological child, so unless we have one ourselves, I don’t have any other options. We will be going through IVF a second–and final–time this fall. If it doesn’t happen then, then that’s our fate.

I can’t imagine what your sister has been through. It was tough enough for me to have have pictures of my two embryos that were transferred to me during IVF in November and to know that those two didn’t make it. I can’t imagine being clinically pregnant and losing four babies. My heart goes out to her. Please thank her for her offer of support as well. It’s appreciated more than you know.

Just… thank you. For everything.
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Sometimes, you get support right when you need it. And it comes from unexpected places. So thank you, my long-time friend. Your support and sweet message was just what I needed. This is the kind of support we need. Not the empty promises that it’ll happen or advice based on your best friend’s-cousin’s-aunt’s story.

We just want to know you care and that you are supporting us. That’s all we ask. (and I’m still crying from the sweetness of it)

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